"Suicide Note"
by Andrew Benson

Everyone has been given things in life that they wish they never were
given. I unfortunately accepted it with open arms. Other people may
have handled my situation differently. I accepted a situation which
required a certain level of responsibility which I am unable to
provide. I had been given a chance to make an important decision;
either decision would be life altering.

The first option is the positive option: nothing bad happens, so it is
inherently "neutral" or "good". It could be argued it is "neutral"
because no bad was done, no good was done. On the other hand, it can
be called "good" because there was no bad done, and nothing is better
than negative. 

The option which I chose was much worse. I replaced morals, ethics,
and logic with greed, lust, and worldly views. I experienced first
hand what my peers live for, and now I have the risk of experiencing
what others attempt to flee from after quenching their lust.

With my decision made, I face a plethora of negative consequences,
which anyone of those outweighs even all the positive benefits. This
is so because I could have received these same benefits even if I had
chosen those first options. 

After observing much of my behavior, I have noticed a trend in my
thinking process. Imagine being blinded in such a way that, as you
walk down the road, you cannot see ahead of you, only where you are
and where you have been. This is your walk through life. As with each
path you may walk in your life, there is a point of no return, much
like on roller coasters; Once you are strapped into the seat with the
harness, at the moment the roller coaster begins to move you will be
unable to have them stop it. That is my walk through life; I approach
the fork in the road, and I stop to make my decision. I weigh each of
the paths, discussing to myself what I get from each and I will lose
from each. Once I have decided, I pass the point at which I can repair
the situation. Another common situation I find myself in: My decision
making process coincides with the action of the decision. For example,
I have four $1 bills, about six quarters, and a $10 bill. In a store, I
buy something worth a total of $5.49. Instead of handing the clerk the
$4 and the six quarters, I pass him the $10 bill. Once he has accepted
my money, I then realize I would have been better off handing him the
$5.50. Rather than give me four more $1 bills, two quarters and a
penny, I could have single handedly simplified this and he would have
just had to give me that one penny.

I run into a very similar event when I buy things for my car or my
computer. I buy something or ask for something as a gift thinking I
will make such a good use of it, and then end up never using it,
replacing it, breaking it, or giving it away.

Some of the best decisions in my life were not made by me but have
benefited me more than I could ever have imagined. The biggest example
would be the one of my computer; I had always wanted this particular
computer but my family would only pay for what was the most
compatible with what we already had. I would go to great lengths in an
attempt to emulate the system I originally wanted, but was soon
introduced to something far superior, more scalable, and more
compatible with more things than either of the previous systems. This
would not have happened if I did in fact proceed with the other
system. Those are the types of the decisions I am thankful for. 

As with everything, there is the "black sheep". This is the decision I
wish I had never made, yet at the same time I am glad I made this
decision. Although this may be a poor example, the most prominent in
my mind was the decision of dating a particular girl. With her father
showing definite antipathic feelings towards the idea of being
together, her mother somehow felt it necessary to hide me rather than
stick up for her daughter. Call me blind or even desperate, I did not
feel it warranting for me to break off my relationship and especially
our friendship. Both our friendship and our relationship was
blossoming and to break that would break me. The negative side of this
was that I could be held for statutory rape for simply holding her
hand, if her parents so minded to charge me. Something that simple
could ruin my life. Yet on the positive side, it was overwhelming what
I had; a friend, someone close, and someone who I cared for deeply. 

Nothing will ever last. Many things still exist and will most
definitely exist for a very long time, but they will of course
drastically change. The Earth is definitelly different than it was
billions of years ago. The inhabitants, the landscape, and almost
everything you can possibly think of has changed. Whether it be
drastic or trivial, everything is now different. Time requires change,
but change is irrelevant to time. Something may take trillions of
years to change, something might never fully change if it is destroyed
before it is done. Something as large and encompassing as the world,
even a nation, and even something as small as a house, never stops
changing. The humnan body is foremost the easiest example: even if you
refuse to pay attention to your body (which, by the way, is impossible
or you would eventually die), you will still feel such changes and
will be aware of them.

Drug addictions are a perversion of this. A drug alters the mind and
the body. An addiction is the physical need (yet, generally it is more
of mental need) for that desired effect to be had again. The
perversion is where the mind becomes so in tune and so aware of the
body that it begins to preemptively quench those needs, whether or not
the body was actually going to need them.

A drug does not always need to be a chemical, and can even be a
machine, a toy, or a person: A computer, a car, and even friends can
well be a drug. Just as any drug, people can become addicted to any of
those things. Addictions are bad; they eventually spiral out of
control. There is no such thing as a "controlled addiction". That
defeats the nature of the addiction. Too much of the computer, you
lose sight of reality; Too much of a car, and you lose touch with what
needs to be done; Too much of a friend, and you lose other
friends. Moderation rather than abstinence is the key to overcome an
addiction; moderation is a step towards abstinence. 

Drugs bring about depression. Whether it is the drugs themselves or
the lack of drugs teamed with the addiction, an unnatural depression
occurs. Every person experiences a mild depression called "sadness". A
severe depression can also occur if something happens and someone is
unable to cope with the stress or the negative emotions associated
with the event. But an unnatural depression is one that is brought in
by the person on their own accord.

This is how drugs cause depression; a mind altering substance and the
choice to use it.

Depression can lead to many things. The positive side involves
inspiration, empathy, and possibly a lesson learned for later
trials. The negative side may lead to mutilation, escape, and
definitely regret. Regret may not be felt until after it is too
late. This is my experience again; I am unable to sense such things
before I am strapped into that seat.

Regret is the final step before the final and absolute "no
return". This is the point of ultimate demise. There are two possible
ways of achieving, or better yet "experiencing," this demise. There is
death through natural causes, such as the body being able to handle
the stress associated with the depression. This is when the mind or
the body gives up. An example of this is dieing of a broken heart
physically, not emotionally or metaphorically. The second possible way
of dieing is suicide. 

Depression rarely ends with suicide. Suicide has many common
attributes with self-mutiliation. Cutting, shooting oneself, and
attempting to overdose are the most common manifestations of
self-induced death, yet are the least completed. Few people cut,
shoot, or overdose correctly. 

Regret ends with one important fact: You cannot change the initial
mistake which was what broughta bout the original problem. At this
stage, no person can possibly handle the rush and guilt associated
with these emotions.

I made such a decision which has brought about my own ultimate
demise. I have followed thse steps albeit against my will. In the
past, I have experienced and even reaped the benefits of a correct
decision. Instead of experiencing the pains associated with this last,
destructive decision, I choose to complete the path.

    And as things were before, they were once well again, and people
    lived their lives as normal as they could. They all remembered
    that frightful day, but instead of dwelling on the lost past, they
    ignore what is now missing. The joyful times of the town must be
    replaced, else the community will fall apart through their grief.

    But with this new day comes a new child, formed from the evils
    committed before. And this child, the only to not remember that
    frightful day, will forever be a symbol to this town, a symbol of
    a silver lining in the blackest of clouds.